if only

tonight...

i want to cuddle. i want to be held. i want to be warm.
i want a him to be here.


*to the one i've never known*

if only you knew me
if only you cared
if only you thought of me
if only you'd be there
whenever i needed you
or whenever i cried
if you told me the truth
when everyone else lied

if only you could be here
instead of far away
if only you could hold me
every night when i'm afraid
if only you could hear me
if only you could feel
if only you would answer
if only you were real...


*****

tonight i'm thankful for... a very hopeful future? or some nonsense like that.
and for snow. snow makes the frigid temperatures slightly more tolerable.
its pretty at least.

:)

breathe deeply... can you smell the rain?

here i sit high in my bed, curlers in hair, listening to the sound of the rain outside my window. perhaps a little too relaxed as is safe for one of my nature, but i think a little time for reflection is overdue. it seems i've had an adventure every day for the past two weeks!
from a surprise visit from my little brother on his spring break last week, to a run-in with a needle, to the past week of my own spring break spent in memphis with jolie... i can't think of a moment in which i've had time to just listen since then. overdue, indeed. so here i sit... thinking and listening.

so daniel came to stay. my darling brother, ten years my junior, whom i absolutely adore. he is, however a bit of a handful at times, what with an almost identical personality to that of our eccentric mother but with the added level of master manipulator and cunning awareness of exactly how to push one's buttons. i do not lie. but he is so stinkin' cute, i just can't help but to cover his multitude of sins with unconditional love. needless to say, it was an interesting week.

then came the needles. 3/20. jolie got her nose peirced. rena, tristan, and i all got tattoos! real ones. tristan and rena got their second, and i got my first. i'm quite happy to keep it a one and only. rena got 'love...' on her left wrist, tristan got a peace sign and 'live the life you love-love the life you live' on her left ribs (oww!) and i got a treble cleff behond my left ear. it has been one week, and i love it. for picture proof, hit up the facebook. we are so cool.

for my spring break, jolie and i packed up and headed to memphis on sunday. it is where my parents abide and consequently, where my brother lives as well, so we killed two birds with one stone. i dont think i've ever done so much sight seeing anywhere - let alone my 'hometown' - in such a short amount of time. it was quite exhausting, but i thoroughly enjoyed getting to spend time with my dear friend once again. nearly 400 pictures later, i am so thankful i have such wonderful and lively friends. however it will be nice these next few days getting to control my own car radio again, and knowing its not set to "A.D.D" anymore. :)

so thanks to a long bubble bath, my *own* bed, and a little soothing from mr.sinatra, i am quite relaxed and very, very happy to be home. i start my routine on sunday. although i very much look forward to it, there is a twinge of something else coloring the outer edges. perhaps a wish, a longing for a different routine... something involving a beach, making music, and the sunny, vibrant colors of africa.

new current goals: graduate imwa in june, mozambique in july. disney world in december, and south africa somewhere in between!

***
tonight i am thankful for Jesus keeping us safe on the long drive home tonight, and for keeping the bad weather out of our way. i am thankful for my mom's words of wisdom and encouragement. i'm thankful for getting to spend some time with my daddy this morning, even if it was just changing my oil. i'm thankful for my brother and my amazing friends whom i love so very much. i'm thankful that i have another two days before i have to go back to school. and i'm thankful i have money in my bank account to pay all my bills for next month. i'm thankful that Jesus provides for me. i'm thankful that He loves me. i'm thankful for the rain.


goodnight big, big world. i hope to see more of you someday soon.

a little

i'd share a litte of my warm for a little of your cold/
if it meant that it was you that i would get to hold/
i'd take a little of your heart for a little of my time/
a little more of you if it meant that you were mine/

a little of today for a lot more of tomorrow/
a lot of smiles with you means no room for any sorrow/
the little that I know is the most that I now trust/
bring in a little bit of passion and a tiny pinch of lust/

a little of your energy, a bit of my new color/
a little less ignoring when we know we have eachother/
flowers for the morning and a kiss for being bold/
I’d share a little of my warm for just your hand to hold/

prince charming

i heard truth today. a very simple, yet undeniably profound truth. it has made me think, wonder, and even question myself and my reasons all afternoon.
and from the most bizarre of sources at that. for the sake of confidentiality i'll simply title this person as an old friend. however it is one with whom i try not to converse on a regular basis for reasons you don't really need to know. anyway, it was said:

"guys are simple. they want to be loved; they want to find the girl they think is worth taking the chance on and then they go for it."

i started thinking about it... musing, if you will. i went on a rant to my roommate this morning (prior to hearing this statement) about guys and their idiosyncrasies, their subtle melodramatics, their less subtle neediness, and their often blatant disregard for our over-politeness and/or desire to keep them at arm's length. however after hearing this, i realized that in my current showcases, [yes, plural- i’m just that good] it does seem to ring true; a guy’s simple desire to be loved. and while i speculate how many would openly admit to this, i have come to believe it as fact. as for guys being simple, however… i dare to speculate otherwise. ;)

not being a member of the male gender, i cannot rightfully take a stand on the last part, but it certainly does sound blissfully romantic. those of you who know me may suggest otherwise, but i have been known to dabble in romantic moments myself on one occasion or another although i do generally prefer to keep [as of recent years anyway] my heart and emotions entirely out of the picture when dealing with men. it’s just less complicated. or so i had thought…

regardless, i do appreciate the insight. i feel (almost) guilty for participating in the recent labeling of the entire male species as ‘stupid, stupid boys’ for i’ve come to see that a lot of the confusion rests in me. in my inability reach beyond the high stone walls protecting my vulnerability i’ve wrongfully judged, pronounced sentences up on, and even carelessly walked upon some honest and truly amazing guys.

Gentlemen, i apologize. you (plural) are intriguing, valiant (sometimes), generally good-natured, mostly kind-hearted and while more often than not still confusing, overall I deem you as good. [does that sound too terribly pessimistic? haha]

i want a man who i can respect; a man who makes me fall for him. i want someone to look up to and unashamedly call mine; someone to cook, clean, and look really hott for; someone who makes my heart beat faster every time i see him smile at me. i wouldn’t mind it if he were funny and witty and was the ‘life of the party’. i’d prefer it if he were rich and handsome; someone with dreams and goals like mine who understands me and will fight for me when necessary. i want a man with whom fun is a constant; a man who reaches for my hand first and deems me his “girl worth taking the chance on.”

from a girl’s perspective this phrase would read:

“girls are complicated, but they just want to be loved. they want to be found, captivated, and won over by the guy who wants them the most and actually goes for it. and perhaps with the nicest car.”

alright, alright. the last part was a joke.

are my desires too unreasonable? too far-fetched or fairy-tailed, perhaps? i hope not.

not for God, anyway…

today i am thankful for my little dachshund (although he drives me crazy sometimes), mister oscar. also thankful for beautiful things to surround myself with, including but not limited to: tristan jewel and co! tankful for fun stationary, cold beers, and internet connection staying connected long enough to post my scrambled thoughts for today. and last but not least… good music!

time well wasted

so...
procrastination proved more successful tonight than was originally intended. well, i suppose procrastination is never intentional, is it? i take it back.
still no eloquently written history paper to check off the list.
i still question to how easily things seem to pile up without warning.

being an adult is tough stuff. its no wonder they all seemed so dull to me as a child.

i can, however, take credit for some musings... to which a piano accompaniment fits quite nicely, if i do say so myself. i just might share...

"i dont know why, but i feel alive today
there's something different in the air
the hope in me is there
i don't know why, but it feels like i'm okay
i can look and now i see
completely differently

maybe its you, maybe its me
maybe its finding out where i'm supposed to be
maybe its time, maybe its right
maybe its love that i am gonna find
just maybe"

***
to hear the rest... you must be special. really special. and even then, certain rules and regulations apply. :)

idea: bedtime.

today i am thankful for my friends, my education, the daffodils that Jesus planted along the roadside just for me, and a love for music.

sleep sweet big, big world.