Put on my blue suede shoes, and I boarded the plane...

So I live in South Africa now - and every time I hear the song "Walking In Memphis" I feel such a happy feeling... as if Memphis and I share a secret that nobody else here knows. As if, even though I feel so at home here among the red African dirt and outdoorsy lifestyle - a part of my heart will always be at home in Memphis. 

Right now it's just after midnight... and I'm sitting outside on the patio watching the lights from the big ships glittering softly on the Indian Ocean sprawled out magnificently in front of me. There is a party going on at the neighbors' house, and I'm sitting out here in my undies enjoying their overly-loud radio, which just so happens to be blaring "Walking In Memphis" right at this moment! I feel like this song and I have an inside joke together. :)

The wind has picked up a bit of a chill - maybe I should get a jacket. 

When I close my eyes, I can still see Beale St. with it's neon signs glowing in the summer night sky. I remember several fun days spent on the banks of the Mississippi River - warm and windy - but it doesn't hold a candle to my beloved Indian Ocean.

Honestly, I've always felt a hesitation about calling any place "home." When I was very young, I was convinced that "home" couldn't be a place on this earth - not with the prospects of Heaven awaiting. 

Now that I'm old(er), and I tend to over-analyze things that I used to just be content with, and I think my specific lack of "roots" stems from a childhood of constant change. For example, by the time I graduated high school (grade 12) I had attended 13 different schools. I may be overly-psycho-evaluating myself here, but I think I'm finally starting to confirm my suspicion of having commitment issues. And it stems into so many aspects of my tossed-around life.

I've wasted so many birthday and shooting-star wishes on trying to find a sense of normalcy in life.

Memphis is where I lived the longest - had the deepest roots - but Arkansas was where I found my own feet - my independence, and I made my own way in the world, and learned to love it there. I consider both to be "home." But Africa is in my blood. I'm torn... but contentedly so, at present.

Today has been a good day. It is warm and sunny here these days - seems the monsoon season has finally lost interest in tormenting us with its dismal days, and we're back to the typical subtropical climate - humid and sticky, but totally tolerable (for now.) 

For now, this is home. Because this is where I choose to be. But if home is where my heart is... then a piece of my heart is in Arkansas with Serena. A piece of my heart is in Texas with Tristan and Kennedy and Josh. A piece of my heart is in Memphis with my daddy and Mister. A piece of my heart is in Georgia with Travis. A really big piece of my heart is in Joburg with my mom and Daniel. And a massive piece of my heart is floating somewhere out in space, hoping to one day crash into a "someone" who brings all the pieces back together again.

A girl can still dream, right? :)

It's cold. And my party neighbors have retired for the night. I suppose I should follow suite. Tomorrow is another day - and it's going to be a beaut. 

Sleep sweet,

Rae

Goals and stuff

Okay, so that last post was so mellow dramatic, I think I need to amp it up a bit! Africa is SO much fun!! Yes, I work - A LOT - but I am loving it here. The culture, the lifestyle, the foods, everything is invigorating. And yes- I'm absolutely living it up to the fullest - taking every chance I can, despite occasional fears or hesitations. 

These are a few things that I've done since being in Africa, most of which I will probably never do again, but I can now cross off the list anyway!

-Rode a mechanical bull at a frat party... Stone cold sober. Did pretty well, I might add! I put quite a few rugby boys to shame!

-Had a divine braai (african bbq) in a wild nature reserve on the edge of a cliff with a bunch of gorgeous surfer boys on the southern coast.

-Jumped off said cliff onto the river bank island, in the middle of the night, with only the light from the moon to guide us. Not so sober that time - but it was exhilarating!

-Clapped at a monkey in the tree above me - BAD idea! He turned, hissed, and began coming towards me, ready to attack! Needless to say I was never more thankful for having my running shoes on. Turns out they're not so cute after all!

-Met an Israeli drug dealer. 

-Assisted in the making of a batch of 'baked' brownies for a friend's "going green" birthday party - none of which was consumed by me! (I won't judge, but I also won't participate.)

-Spent one fantastic Sunday afternoon on the beach baking in the sunshine, then walked up to an open-air bar and spent the evening drinking pina coladas with friends and listened to the most awesome Reggae band ever. Total hippie day, it was so divine!

-Successfully learned to drive a stick shift! Hells yeah.

-Watched more surfing competitions than I'd ever thought possible. My cousin is a professional surfer, and he travels the world. Three weeks ago he was in France, Two weeks ago, Bali - and this week he is in the Canary Islands. :)

-Became a vegetarian... again! (I was one for about 8 years - and I recently started again with my cousin, Annie!)

I still want to learn to surf. The rest of these things were never on my to-do list, but just ended up happening... so why not!? :)

Life is so good here. The culture is a friendly one - no one is a stranger, and you see friends everywhere, new or old. The food is incredible! Being a vegetarian is much easier when there are so many colorful things to chose from, and the best fruits and veggies are always in season! Most things are expensive, and you work a lot harder to get what you need and want, but I am VERY blessed and taken care of everywhere I go. I've started making goals!

My goal for October is to get a new phone!

My goal for November is to have a bikini-worthy body!

My goal for December is to get a car! And have my little Mister Oscar moved out here!

My goal for January is to enroll in teaching classes at the nearby Varsity!

All of which I'm working towards and saving up for. So, I have lots of exciting things to look forward to. :)

But for now... I have sales reports due, and schedules to finalize. So back to work I go. 

I really miss my best friends and my daddy.
But I am thankful for being home and making plans.


"For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you, and not to harm you... plans to give you a hope and a future." Jer 29:11

Counting Ships...

My life has changed so much in the past four months. 

Four months ago I quit my (really amazing big-girl) job, packed a few suitcases, and left Memphis, TN. 

Today I woke up hearing the Indian Ocean outside my open window. I made coffee with one sugar and sat on the patio sipping and counting the giant ships waiting to go into the harbor. There were 11 ships in my little patch of sea this morning.

I have been blessed with an amazing job in an amazing company. I get to hire people for in-store promotions for big companies like Coca Cola, Remington, GlaxoSmith Kline, and I work with lots of awesome brands like Aquafresh, Minute Maid, Coke Zero, Fuze Tea... It's been hard work, and it requires a lot - but it's so rewarding to work with people who are so grateful. 

I'm so blessed to live in one of the best parts of South Africa - and every day I see the ocean smiling back at me. I run on the beach, with the sea breeze on my face... There's just something about being on the coast that fills and satisfies my soul. 

This is where I've always wanted to be. With my family - in South Africa - helping people. I've wanted this since I was 16. I did envision it being different in a lot of ways... but I am so content and settled. I feel as though I've grown up so much in the past few months and I know that I've changed a lot. 

Life isn't perfect - even here in my happy place. I can't drive a manual as well as I want - and I don't even have time to practice - nor do I have my own vehicle, so I'm always relying on people for lifts. Not that I really have anywhere to go - because I work from our office at home - but it would be nice to have the freedom that having your own car represents. My car in America was my space, my escape, my own thing that I owned. I miss that feeling of freedom. So many days I'd like to just get in the car and go. But I can't do that here. In America, I had my own place to live (well, not the past 2 years) But here... I know that isn't going to happen for a very long time. First, it's way too expensive to live alone - and second - it's way too dangerous!

I really miss my people: my dad, Serena, Tristan, Travis, and my little dog... I know a dog is an easily replaceable commodity, but not my Mister Oscar. He is my little soul mate - and I can feel how much he needs me.

I'm not singing these days. I feel like I wouldn't know where or how to even start writing again. But I can feel a song inside me... and it isn't too far off.  I'm still taking pictures, but not serious ones. Not good ones. And I'm still working out... I just lack motivation this week. 

Today is a very dreary rainy day - and while the birds sit singing their happy songs in the trees, I sit here counting the ships... and I'm content. Just.... content. :)

Exciting stories are coming soon - promise.

I am going to Africa!

Yes, yes - I've been talking about it for a long time. Technically, for years. I've always said that I want to go overseas - to Africa - to teach, work with orphanages, open schools and clinics, love on the children who have nobody... Since I was 16 I've wanted this... I've wanted this to be my dream. But now it's turning into a reality... and I'm freaking out a little.

My mom used to tell me a story about a monkey who happened upon a farmer's pumpkin patch. The monkey loved pumpkin seeds - and immediately set to work poking a hole just big enough for his hand to fit in the biggest, most delicious looking pumpkin. He squeezed his little hand into the pumpkin and grabbed up as many seeds as he could - only to discover he was stuck! He couldn't get the seeds out! He squealed and squawked and made such a racket that the farmer came out with his shotgun. Even though letting go of those few precious seeds would have saved his life, that monkey couldn't do it. He couldn't think past what he wanted right then and there. He couldn't let go.

I don't want to fight or struggle for I want. All I really want is to let go of what I think I want and give in to what God wants for me. I feel most certain that He has put these dreams and desires inside my heart - these giant dreams that I'm certain will take a lifetime to fulfill, and will lead me down some very lonely red dirt roads... He who has breathed life and passion into me, He who has given me His nature and His heartbeat - He is leading me with each step towards this new and kind of terrifying adventure.

I'm going to Africa! Seriously! :)


Who in their right mind wants to give up the content and convenient life of being an American young adult for the bumpy dusty roads and disease-infested corners of the "dark continent?"  Who in their right mind dreams about being around runny-nosed, fly-covered, starving children? Why would anyone desire a third world lifestyle over the convenience of lightening fast internet, talk-to-text, two minute drive-through coffees, Friday night chick-flicks on a giant flat screen TV, a closet full of colorful clothes, a fridge full of fresh food, ice-cold water right out of the faucet? How could anyone actually desire to leave that?

Am I ungrateful? Am I selfish? I don't know.

What I do know is that I am packing. I am packing for Africa. I quit my job, shut off my cell phone, minimized all my bills - and I'm going to Africa! I think it's just hit me - that I'm being given an opportunity to live my dream. I'm getting the chance to do everything I've wanted to do - everything I've dreamed about. How many people get that chance??

First off, how many people actually know what they want to do with their lives? Second, how many people actually get the chance to do it?? It's amazing - and I'm amazed. I'm amazed that somehow God has worked this out for me. Senseless, indecisive me.

Up until now I've been sort of numb inside. Numb to the realization that this is God... I guess I don't really know what I've been thinking or feeling. I felt certain that quitting my job was right - my first "big girl" job with a great salary, insurance, benefits, my own office, my own phone line... Leaving was right.

I feel as if the river has dried up here in America. I feel like Elijah did when he ran out of options - when his brook dried up before him, and he had to leave his safe place. I have nothing left here. My job was only able to sustain me - not push me forward into what i wanted, and while my dad, my little dog, my friends and my boyfriend are amazing and make life worthwhile - I feel there is so much more I need to do with my life. I have a calling - a destiny.

I have a destiny, and I feel like so far I have done nothing towards it. And suddenly God has opened this door for me! Yes, I know that not every open door is God's perfect will, I feel as if this packing and leaving home is getting me one step closer to what I've always dreamed of doing.

I'm going to be spending a lot of time with my family there; Aunts, uncles, cousins, and old friends whom facebook has allowed me to keep in contact with through the years. I may have a job to start. But I'm going to be so close to Pemba, Mozambique and even closer to Kwasiza Bantu... and that is where my dreams start.

So like that little monkey, I have to let go of what I think I want. So in my mind and in my heart, I am letting go, freeing myself from anything holding me back, and just focusing on the fact that - finally... finally - I am going to Africa!

Pulling my heart in half...

A long time ago, a rather eccentric friend of mine told me a story. In this story, he explained to me that his heart was battling with his mind and his will. I understood his metaphor, but he went into great detail involving sword fights and armies and even flags - as you would picture a battle in the olden days. He kept telling me that it was no metaphor, that it was true - that this battle of his was an actual battle. He is still, by far, one of the most eccentric and strangest friends I have, but today I understand his story a little better.

When your heart - the thing which drives your relationships, passions, and feelings - is in conflict with your mind - the thing which controls your reason and decisions. When they are opposite sides of the battlefield. How do you know which one to follow? How do you decide which is more important?
Or more importantly - when your heart is in direct opposition to what you believe is God's perfect Will for your life? What then? How do you proceed when your will is not your own?

I gave my life to Jesus. I gave my future, my passions, my dreams - my ALL - to follow His will and calling and to hear His voice. I was twelve years old when I made this decision. When I decided that I wanted God's will above my own - forever. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I remember it well. And it's always been easy for me to walk away from things that I know are not a part of God's will for my life.

But what do you do when the heart is attached to something - deeply and severely attached - to a someone whom you still question? What if he is right? But what if he is not? Almost four years of asking God, myself and everyone around me these relentless questions. I am afraid the answer is not what I want to hear. I've put my life on hold for fear of making the wrong move. I've wavered in my faith and in my decisions. I've gone from being certain that I want him above all else and following that path, to being completely positive that he is not what God has for me and following that path. I've said goodbye - too many times. It has broken my heart and his - over and over. It has ripped us to shreds. And now he is back, and I love him. And I am completely unwilling to hurt him again.

It is not fair. When you heart is at war with your mind. When your will is torn between the two.

I want a happy life - a normal life. I want the family thing, the kids thing, the settling down and throwing dinner parties thing. I want to unpack my wine glasses into my own kitchen cabinets. I want the savings account, and the health insurance, and the let's plan a vacation to visit the in-laws thing. I want the pretty guest bedroom for my friends to come visit. I want to wake up next to the face I love. I want to jog around the neighborhood and plan my days on a little dry-erase calendar.

But I want so much more.

I want adventure. I want to sit around a campfire in the middle of Africa, under the clearest night sky watching the moon rise as the lions roar in the distance. I want to see the look on the faces of a hundred little African children who suddenly don't have to walk 3 miles a day to collect a bucket of barely-drinkable water because I was there to provide a well for them in their little red-dirt village. I want to see the mother's smile when she hands her baby a plate of food - food that she didn't have to purchase by selling her body on the infested city streets nearby. I want to see the child that was never given the chance learn to read, carrying books home to teach his younger siblings. I want to see dreams come true. I want to see lives changed. I want to provide jobs where there were no jobs. I want to provide food and water to those who have for so long had to go without. I want to provide faith where before there was only hopelessness. I want to give the ones without a chance, a real fighting chance. I want adventure.

You may think when I put it like that, there's no difficulty to see which road to take. But my heart is stretched between them both. My will is on both sides. I've become numb to everything.

All I know is that I love him more than I've loved anyone. I want a future with him.
And I'm leaving for Africa in 7 days. An open-ended visit to see my family. I want the adventure to start while I'm there. But I'm frightened of that, and so is he. Because he knows that the only thing I love more than him... is Africa. He knows my dreams are there. My heart is there.... well half of my heart.

My heart is torn between a boy and my dreams. And I don't know what to do.

Romans 8:1

This is my Mantra for this week! Romans 8:1 says "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!" And I'm taking this very literally. Yesterday, I ate 3 amazing slices of ooey gooey cheesy spinach pizza. I also had a giant salad, but then broke my diet again with a hot dog for dinner! And, lofty as my intentions were for taking on at least 30 minutes of cardio afterwards... it totally didn't happen.

Yesterday, May 23, 2012
I played charades with co-workers while our server was down at work. I wonder if that counts as cardio? Haha... No condemnation - That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Today, May 24, 2012
This morning I woke up energized and refreshed, so I took my little sausage dog, Mister, on a 2 mile run before work! The little bugger started off full steam ahead, but after having to stop at EVERY single mailbox, we took to the pavement. He quickly tired out (which is understandable, since his legs are barely a full 4 inches) but he stayed with me on the home stretch.

This is my Mister enjoying some sunshine a few weekends ago. I imagine he is recovering today in the same fashion. (And yes, I'm one of those people who takes cellphone pictures of my animals when they do things I believe to be "adorable" and "cuuuuuute." Don't judge me.)

 
I've been researching fitness stuff - like a typical junkie - and despite my utter disregard for any physical activity yesterday (aside from chowing down!) I plan to do this after work today:

• 7 Day Thigh Challenge!

• 4 Minute Fat Blaster

• And then hit the gym for some one-on-one with the elliptical.

I recently realized this... if you can't motivate yourself, don't expect anyone else to be able to motivate you. So get off your ass and make a change. Change doesn't happen overnight - don't expect it to! And yes, it's hard to be consistent sometimes. But it's true that 'In consistency lies the power.' So go for it! "There is no condemnation" - so don't beat yourself up for taking baby steps - just start somewhere, and don't give up! Okay, end of pep-talk.

Today, I am unstoppable. :)

Takin' it easy

May 22, 2012
Today I feel lazy! I ran 5 miles in 52 minutes tonight, but now I feel as if I could have gone much further. Perhaps I should have spent more time at the gym working out after my run, I don't know. I just feel as if I should have gotten a lot more in.
I suppose today was an easy day. Easy, but full of delicious food!

For lunch, I ate this:

Asian salad!
Lettuce mix with cabbage, snow peas, and carrots! Sliced almonds, little crunchie sticks, and a little bit of low fat ginger dressing. I also had a handful of Naked pita chips dipped in a little hummus - and for dessert - a baby clementine! Because they are amazing.
(I know iceberg lettuce is the worst - but I woke up late with only 20 minutes to get ready before leaving for work this morning - so I was at the mercy of what was in the fridge. It seemed a better option than the steak and baked potato that was eyeballing me from the top shelf!)

Dinner was a piece of grilled chicken cooked in lite vidalia onion dressing with some green beans. Honestly, I'm not too excited about the green beans. But it was green and it worked. 

After my run, I needed a little something else, so I had a banana with a spoon of peanut butter. (pure bliss, I tell you.)


I got a lot done at work today! Finished up a few major issues and projects that I've spent weeks on. That pretty much sums up my day. Oh - and 50 squats before climbing into bed! Made me feel a little less lethargic. I think I just need sleep.

Sleep sweet... after 50 squats!!

:)