Pulling my heart in half...

A long time ago, a rather eccentric friend of mine told me a story. In this story, he explained to me that his heart was battling with his mind and his will. I understood his metaphor, but he went into great detail involving sword fights and armies and even flags - as you would picture a battle in the olden days. He kept telling me that it was no metaphor, that it was true - that this battle of his was an actual battle. He is still, by far, one of the most eccentric and strangest friends I have, but today I understand his story a little better.

When your heart - the thing which drives your relationships, passions, and feelings - is in conflict with your mind - the thing which controls your reason and decisions. When they are opposite sides of the battlefield. How do you know which one to follow? How do you decide which is more important?
Or more importantly - when your heart is in direct opposition to what you believe is God's perfect Will for your life? What then? How do you proceed when your will is not your own?

I gave my life to Jesus. I gave my future, my passions, my dreams - my ALL - to follow His will and calling and to hear His voice. I was twelve years old when I made this decision. When I decided that I wanted God's will above my own - forever. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I remember it well. And it's always been easy for me to walk away from things that I know are not a part of God's will for my life.

But what do you do when the heart is attached to something - deeply and severely attached - to a someone whom you still question? What if he is right? But what if he is not? Almost four years of asking God, myself and everyone around me these relentless questions. I am afraid the answer is not what I want to hear. I've put my life on hold for fear of making the wrong move. I've wavered in my faith and in my decisions. I've gone from being certain that I want him above all else and following that path, to being completely positive that he is not what God has for me and following that path. I've said goodbye - too many times. It has broken my heart and his - over and over. It has ripped us to shreds. And now he is back, and I love him. And I am completely unwilling to hurt him again.

It is not fair. When you heart is at war with your mind. When your will is torn between the two.

I want a happy life - a normal life. I want the family thing, the kids thing, the settling down and throwing dinner parties thing. I want to unpack my wine glasses into my own kitchen cabinets. I want the savings account, and the health insurance, and the let's plan a vacation to visit the in-laws thing. I want the pretty guest bedroom for my friends to come visit. I want to wake up next to the face I love. I want to jog around the neighborhood and plan my days on a little dry-erase calendar.

But I want so much more.

I want adventure. I want to sit around a campfire in the middle of Africa, under the clearest night sky watching the moon rise as the lions roar in the distance. I want to see the look on the faces of a hundred little African children who suddenly don't have to walk 3 miles a day to collect a bucket of barely-drinkable water because I was there to provide a well for them in their little red-dirt village. I want to see the mother's smile when she hands her baby a plate of food - food that she didn't have to purchase by selling her body on the infested city streets nearby. I want to see the child that was never given the chance learn to read, carrying books home to teach his younger siblings. I want to see dreams come true. I want to see lives changed. I want to provide jobs where there were no jobs. I want to provide food and water to those who have for so long had to go without. I want to provide faith where before there was only hopelessness. I want to give the ones without a chance, a real fighting chance. I want adventure.

You may think when I put it like that, there's no difficulty to see which road to take. But my heart is stretched between them both. My will is on both sides. I've become numb to everything.

All I know is that I love him more than I've loved anyone. I want a future with him.
And I'm leaving for Africa in 7 days. An open-ended visit to see my family. I want the adventure to start while I'm there. But I'm frightened of that, and so is he. Because he knows that the only thing I love more than him... is Africa. He knows my dreams are there. My heart is there.... well half of my heart.

My heart is torn between a boy and my dreams. And I don't know what to do.