two more sleeps...

... and then i get to see my best friends and be in the beautiful mountains of Arkansas again. :)

These days the sun is shining brighter and the Memphis humidity brings with it the need for anti-frizz hair creme and a new [zebra striped] swimsuit. I don't care what people say... Screw Christmas- THIS is the most wonderful time of the year!

I am enjoying what feels like the calm before the storm. It's been made clear that things are once again about to change, decisions have to be made, and once more I'm questioning God for wisdom and direction. Isn't that the never-ending story of my life. "Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing? Is this right? Is that right? God, are you listening?" Yeah. Seems like every six months we have this same one-sided conversation.

Moving to Memphis in December was right. It has been a good thing, but it seems like just as I've gotten settled and I have peace in my heart, a foundation log has slipped out from underneath me and things are about to start faltering. I know this means I have to find my own way now. But if I'm destined to be a tumbleweed, I'd prefer to know the direction of the wind. And if I'm meant to be rooted, I'd like a prettier garden. Ocean views would be preferable, God.

Oh, and I had totally forgotten what sin consciousness was, until we went to church this morning. Apparently God doesn't like sinners?? Ha.

Too much thinking.

I wrote a song for my Serena Joy tonight. I like it. :) I want to record, damnit.

I'm thankful for this beautiful weekend, great beer, and amazing friends. I'm thankful that my Jesus loves me beyond measure, and that His heart is full of wonderful thoughts for me. Thankful that He is making my way straight and guiding my ever-questioning heart.
I'm thankful for sleep.

*yawn*

day to day...

eat.pray.love. i'm totally doing that. but on the inside. india, italy, and bali aren't physically possible for me, but i'm going to begin enjoying life more.

it feels as if i am doing what i've heard referred to as "living in the moment." i am learning to be content in the present. i am learning to be happy again. so, in this day-to-day journey, here is my today:

being lazy: today i watched the A&E pride and prejudice series... again. (yes, the 6 hour one where colin firth makes the most delicious mr.darcy...*sigh*) unfortunately, i've gotten to the place where i know the entire dialog before it happens and i've started saying their lines for them. note to self: find a new favorite classical period film.

being crafty: today i made a beanie, and it worked! i'm rather stoked about this fact, because so far the only beanies i've successfully knitted/crocheted have been tiny human sized. the first one i knitted, i had very high hopes for... and it could easily be mistaken for a crumpled up sock. since then ive been practicing gauge, to very little success until today. although my child-sized beanies are adorable, i can't seem to get an adult sized one right. last night i attempted yet again. somehow i got all the way to the end, after following the knitting pattern perfectly, and still my result was nothing more than a crumpled sock. so i pulled it all out and began to crochet it instead. (crocheting is my first language in the world of yarn and needle fun, so i feel much more deft with one hookey-needle instead of two large pointy ones.) i ended up pulling that out again this morning and beginning - yet again. finally i somehow achieved success! i'm so proud, in fact, of my little "red puff-slouch beanie" that i wore it to the gym tonight. :)

being disciplined: hello gym! hello elliptical machine! and hello all other new-years-resolutioners! there is a severe lack of gorgeous man muscle at the gym these days. not that i'm in the market, but having a nice view certainly gets one motivated to pump up the resistance. (don't worry- my little red puff-slouch beanie was at home in the locker. lol.) anyway, an hour of elliptical, 15 minutes of leg work outs, 20 minutes of sauna, and a nice hot shower have left me quite proud of my day's productivity. armed with enough endorphins to last till morning, i am now rather happy and ready for bed!

so goodnight world. i'm hopeful for tomorrow...

that's the way I loved you...

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better

He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says, you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
When it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
So in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space and never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing, and I'm comfortable

But I miss screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
So in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm fakin'
And my heart's not breakin'
'Cause I'm not feelin' anything at all

And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake and now

I miss screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
It's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you


-Taylor Swift

this is what He said to me...

i love you when you're happy
i love you when you're sad
i love you even when you're being
loved by someone else

i love you when you need me
i'll love you if you don't
i love you if you push away
but i really hope you don't

i love you when you trust me
and i love your every tear
just so you know, it breaks my heart
when you won't let me near

i love you more than ever
and my love grows more each day
and just so i know you know
i love you more than i could say

i don't

i don't like to say that i'm wrong
and i don't like to say that i'm not okay
but i'm not okay

i don't like not talking to you
but i don't wanna hear what you've gotta say
cause it's not all okay

and everyone will say "i told you so"
and i don't wanna hear it
everything will change when you go
and i don't wanna see it, no
no i don't

i don't like that look on your face
and i don't like the way that it makes my heart ache
but things change

i don't wanna see you again
cause i lied, and you lied, and now this is the end
this is the end


and everyone says "girl, i told you so"
and i just don't wanna hear it
everything will change when you go
and i don't wanna see that, no
no i don't

cause i'm too late for sorry
so baby don't worry about it
if i told you i loved you
i know that you would just doubt it
you say that i don't, please don't
don't say that i don't, no don't

i don't like to say that i'm wrong...

and i know that i'll love you...

it feels like i know you
in some mystic way
and if i could just show you
you'd see right away

from somewhere inside me
your face came to view
it was almost as real
as a face that i knew

and i know that i'll love you
with a love more than love
with a daring desire
as the sun's fire above

with eyes shining, burning
you met my still gaze
and my heart knew your heart
leaving me in a daze

though dreaming, you found me
and hope was infused
for the day when i wake up
and get to hold you

and i know that you'll love me
with a love more than life
and a tangible one-ness
as the rain in the skies

i'll give all my heart
and hope it's enough
but i know that i'll love you
with a love more than love

eraser

i wish i could tape over the words inside my head
that one little line that you never should have said
i'd fill the void with music, with something loud instead
or maybe something quiet, or a story that i've read

go; just go away now please
and take your lies with you
before i hear another word
and rethink all this through

i wish i had some white-out that could make you go away
at least the way you smiled when you saw me look your way
i did my hair all pretty, and you made me wait all day
and i don't think it's fair that i have to act okay

go; just go away now please
and take your silly games
get your name out of my head
and all the happy things you said
that made me like you till today
please won't you go away
just go; i'll be okay