Yes, yes - I've been talking about it for a long time. Technically, for years. I've always said that I want to go overseas - to Africa - to teach, work with orphanages, open schools and clinics, love on the children who have nobody... Since I was 16 I've wanted this... I've wanted this to be my dream. But now it's turning into a reality... and I'm freaking out a little.
My mom used to tell me a story about a monkey who happened upon a farmer's pumpkin patch. The monkey loved pumpkin seeds - and immediately set to work poking a hole just big enough for his hand to fit in the biggest, most delicious looking pumpkin. He squeezed his little hand into the pumpkin and grabbed up as many seeds as he could - only to discover he was stuck! He couldn't get the seeds out! He squealed and squawked and made such a racket that the farmer came out with his shotgun. Even though letting go of those few precious seeds would have saved his life, that monkey couldn't do it. He couldn't think past what he wanted right then and there. He couldn't let go.
I don't want to fight or struggle for I want. All I really want is to let go of what I think I want and give in to what God wants for me. I feel most certain that He has put these dreams and desires inside my heart - these giant dreams that I'm certain will take a lifetime to fulfill, and will lead me down some very lonely red dirt roads... He who has breathed life and passion into me, He who has given me His nature and His heartbeat - He is leading me with each step towards this new and kind of terrifying adventure.
I'm going to Africa! Seriously! :)
Who in their right mind wants to give up the content and convenient life of being an American young adult for the bumpy dusty roads and disease-infested corners of the "dark continent?" Who in their right mind dreams about being around runny-nosed, fly-covered, starving children? Why would anyone desire a third world lifestyle over the convenience of lightening fast internet, talk-to-text, two minute drive-through coffees, Friday night chick-flicks on a giant flat screen TV, a closet full of colorful clothes, a fridge full of fresh food, ice-cold water right out of the faucet? How could anyone actually desire to leave that?
Am I ungrateful? Am I selfish? I don't know.
What I do know is that I am packing. I am packing for Africa. I quit my job, shut off my cell phone, minimized all my bills - and I'm going to Africa! I think it's just hit me - that I'm being given an opportunity to live my dream. I'm getting the chance to do everything I've wanted to do - everything I've dreamed about. How many people get that chance??
First off, how many people actually know what they want to do with their lives? Second, how many people actually get the chance to do it?? It's amazing - and I'm amazed. I'm amazed that somehow God has worked this out for me. Senseless, indecisive me.
Up until now I've been sort of numb inside. Numb to the realization that this is God... I guess I don't really know what I've been thinking or feeling. I felt certain that quitting my job was right - my first "big girl" job with a great salary, insurance, benefits, my own office, my own phone line... Leaving was right.
I feel as if the river has dried up here in America. I feel like Elijah did when he ran out of options - when his brook dried up before him, and he had to leave his safe place. I have nothing left here. My job was only able to sustain me - not push me forward into what i wanted, and while my dad, my little dog, my friends and my boyfriend are amazing and make life worthwhile - I feel there is so much more I need to do with my life. I have a calling - a destiny.
I have a destiny, and I feel like so far I have done nothing towards it. And suddenly God has opened this door for me! Yes, I know that not every open door is God's perfect will, I feel as if this packing and leaving home is getting me one step closer to what I've always dreamed of doing.
I'm going to be spending a lot of time with my family there; Aunts, uncles, cousins, and old friends whom facebook has allowed me to keep in contact with through the years. I may have a job to start. But I'm going to be so close to Pemba, Mozambique and even closer to Kwasiza Bantu... and that is where my dreams start.
So like that little monkey, I have to let go of what I think I want. So in my mind and in my heart, I am letting go, freeing myself from anything holding me back, and just focusing on the fact that - finally... finally - I am going to Africa!
Friday, June 22
Monday, June 18
Pulling my heart in half...
A long time ago, a rather eccentric friend of mine told me a story. In this story, he explained to me that his heart was battling with his mind and his will. I understood his metaphor, but he went into great detail involving sword fights and armies and even flags - as you would picture a battle in the olden days. He kept telling me that it was no metaphor, that it was true - that this battle of his was an actual battle. He is still, by far, one of the most eccentric and strangest friends I have, but today I understand his story a little better.
When your heart - the thing which drives your relationships, passions, and feelings - is in conflict with your mind - the thing which controls your reason and decisions. When they are opposite sides of the battlefield. How do you know which one to follow? How do you decide which is more important?
Or more importantly - when your heart is in direct opposition to what you believe is God's perfect Will for your life? What then? How do you proceed when your will is not your own?
I gave my life to Jesus. I gave my future, my passions, my dreams - my ALL - to follow His will and calling and to hear His voice. I was twelve years old when I made this decision. When I decided that I wanted God's will above my own - forever. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I remember it well. And it's always been easy for me to walk away from things that I know are not a part of God's will for my life.
But what do you do when the heart is attached to something - deeply and severely attached - to a someone whom you still question? What if he is right? But what if he is not? Almost four years of asking God, myself and everyone around me these relentless questions. I am afraid the answer is not what I want to hear. I've put my life on hold for fear of making the wrong move. I've wavered in my faith and in my decisions. I've gone from being certain that I want him above all else and following that path, to being completely positive that he is not what God has for me and following that path. I've said goodbye - too many times. It has broken my heart and his - over and over. It has ripped us to shreds. And now he is back, and I love him. And I am completely unwilling to hurt him again.
It is not fair. When you heart is at war with your mind. When your will is torn between the two.
I want a happy life - a normal life. I want the family thing, the kids thing, the settling down and throwing dinner parties thing. I want to unpack my wine glasses into my own kitchen cabinets. I want the savings account, and the health insurance, and the let's plan a vacation to visit the in-laws thing. I want the pretty guest bedroom for my friends to come visit. I want to wake up next to the face I love. I want to jog around the neighborhood and plan my days on a little dry-erase calendar.
But I want so much more.
I want adventure. I want to sit around a campfire in the middle of Africa, under the clearest night sky watching the moon rise as the lions roar in the distance. I want to see the look on the faces of a hundred little African children who suddenly don't have to walk 3 miles a day to collect a bucket of barely-drinkable water because I was there to provide a well for them in their little red-dirt village. I want to see the mother's smile when she hands her baby a plate of food - food that she didn't have to purchase by selling her body on the infested city streets nearby. I want to see the child that was never given the chance learn to read, carrying books home to teach his younger siblings. I want to see dreams come true. I want to see lives changed. I want to provide jobs where there were no jobs. I want to provide food and water to those who have for so long had to go without. I want to provide faith where before there was only hopelessness. I want to give the ones without a chance, a real fighting chance. I want adventure.
You may think when I put it like that, there's no difficulty to see which road to take. But my heart is stretched between them both. My will is on both sides. I've become numb to everything.
All I know is that I love him more than I've loved anyone. I want a future with him.
And I'm leaving for Africa in 7 days. An open-ended visit to see my family. I want the adventure to start while I'm there. But I'm frightened of that, and so is he. Because he knows that the only thing I love more than him... is Africa. He knows my dreams are there. My heart is there.... well half of my heart.
My heart is torn between a boy and my dreams. And I don't know what to do.
When your heart - the thing which drives your relationships, passions, and feelings - is in conflict with your mind - the thing which controls your reason and decisions. When they are opposite sides of the battlefield. How do you know which one to follow? How do you decide which is more important?
Or more importantly - when your heart is in direct opposition to what you believe is God's perfect Will for your life? What then? How do you proceed when your will is not your own?
I gave my life to Jesus. I gave my future, my passions, my dreams - my ALL - to follow His will and calling and to hear His voice. I was twelve years old when I made this decision. When I decided that I wanted God's will above my own - forever. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I remember it well. And it's always been easy for me to walk away from things that I know are not a part of God's will for my life.
But what do you do when the heart is attached to something - deeply and severely attached - to a someone whom you still question? What if he is right? But what if he is not? Almost four years of asking God, myself and everyone around me these relentless questions. I am afraid the answer is not what I want to hear. I've put my life on hold for fear of making the wrong move. I've wavered in my faith and in my decisions. I've gone from being certain that I want him above all else and following that path, to being completely positive that he is not what God has for me and following that path. I've said goodbye - too many times. It has broken my heart and his - over and over. It has ripped us to shreds. And now he is back, and I love him. And I am completely unwilling to hurt him again.
It is not fair. When you heart is at war with your mind. When your will is torn between the two.
I want a happy life - a normal life. I want the family thing, the kids thing, the settling down and throwing dinner parties thing. I want to unpack my wine glasses into my own kitchen cabinets. I want the savings account, and the health insurance, and the let's plan a vacation to visit the in-laws thing. I want the pretty guest bedroom for my friends to come visit. I want to wake up next to the face I love. I want to jog around the neighborhood and plan my days on a little dry-erase calendar.
But I want so much more.
I want adventure. I want to sit around a campfire in the middle of Africa, under the clearest night sky watching the moon rise as the lions roar in the distance. I want to see the look on the faces of a hundred little African children who suddenly don't have to walk 3 miles a day to collect a bucket of barely-drinkable water because I was there to provide a well for them in their little red-dirt village. I want to see the mother's smile when she hands her baby a plate of food - food that she didn't have to purchase by selling her body on the infested city streets nearby. I want to see the child that was never given the chance learn to read, carrying books home to teach his younger siblings. I want to see dreams come true. I want to see lives changed. I want to provide jobs where there were no jobs. I want to provide food and water to those who have for so long had to go without. I want to provide faith where before there was only hopelessness. I want to give the ones without a chance, a real fighting chance. I want adventure.
You may think when I put it like that, there's no difficulty to see which road to take. But my heart is stretched between them both. My will is on both sides. I've become numb to everything.
All I know is that I love him more than I've loved anyone. I want a future with him.
And I'm leaving for Africa in 7 days. An open-ended visit to see my family. I want the adventure to start while I'm there. But I'm frightened of that, and so is he. Because he knows that the only thing I love more than him... is Africa. He knows my dreams are there. My heart is there.... well half of my heart.
My heart is torn between a boy and my dreams. And I don't know what to do.
Thursday, May 24
Romans 8:1
This is my Mantra for this week! Romans 8:1 says "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!" And I'm taking this very literally. Yesterday, I ate 3 amazing slices of ooey gooey cheesy spinach pizza. I also had a giant salad, but then broke my diet again with a hot dog for dinner! And, lofty as my intentions were for taking on at least 30 minutes of cardio afterwards... it totally didn't happen.
Yesterday, May 23, 2012
I played charades with co-workers while our server was down at work. I wonder if that counts as cardio? Haha... No condemnation - That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Today, May 24, 2012
This morning I woke up energized and refreshed, so I took my little sausage dog, Mister, on a 2 mile run before work! The little bugger started off full steam ahead, but after having to stop at EVERY single mailbox, we took to the pavement. He quickly tired out (which is understandable, since his legs are barely a full 4 inches) but he stayed with me on the home stretch.
This is my Mister enjoying some sunshine a few weekends ago. I imagine he is recovering today in the same fashion. (And yes, I'm one of those people who takes cellphone pictures of my animals when they do things I believe to be "adorable" and "cuuuuuute." Don't judge me.)
I've been researching fitness stuff - like a typical junkie - and despite my utter disregard for any physical activity yesterday (aside from chowing down!) I plan to do this after work today:
I recently realized this... if you can't motivate yourself, don't expect anyone else to be able to motivate you. So get off your ass and make a change. Change doesn't happen overnight - don't expect it to! And yes, it's hard to be consistent sometimes. But it's true that 'In consistency lies the power.' So go for it! "There is no condemnation" - so don't beat yourself up for taking baby steps - just start somewhere, and don't give up! Okay, end of pep-talk.
Today, I am unstoppable. :)
Yesterday, May 23, 2012
I played charades with co-workers while our server was down at work. I wonder if that counts as cardio? Haha... No condemnation - That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Today, May 24, 2012
This morning I woke up energized and refreshed, so I took my little sausage dog, Mister, on a 2 mile run before work! The little bugger started off full steam ahead, but after having to stop at EVERY single mailbox, we took to the pavement. He quickly tired out (which is understandable, since his legs are barely a full 4 inches) but he stayed with me on the home stretch.
This is my Mister enjoying some sunshine a few weekends ago. I imagine he is recovering today in the same fashion. (And yes, I'm one of those people who takes cellphone pictures of my animals when they do things I believe to be "adorable" and "cuuuuuute." Don't judge me.)
I've been researching fitness stuff - like a typical junkie - and despite my utter disregard for any physical activity yesterday (aside from chowing down!) I plan to do this after work today:
- And then hit the gym for some one-on-one with the elliptical.
I recently realized this... if you can't motivate yourself, don't expect anyone else to be able to motivate you. So get off your ass and make a change. Change doesn't happen overnight - don't expect it to! And yes, it's hard to be consistent sometimes. But it's true that 'In consistency lies the power.' So go for it! "There is no condemnation" - so don't beat yourself up for taking baby steps - just start somewhere, and don't give up! Okay, end of pep-talk.
Today, I am unstoppable. :)
Tuesday, May 22
Takin' it easy
May 22, 2012
Today I feel lazy! I ran 5 miles in 52 minutes tonight, but now I feel as if I could have gone much further. Perhaps I should have spent more time at the gym working out after my run, I don't know. I just feel as if I should have gotten a lot more in.
I suppose today was an easy day. Easy, but full of delicious food!
For lunch, I ate this:
Asian salad!
Lettuce mix with cabbage, snow peas, and carrots! Sliced almonds, little crunchie sticks, and a little bit of low fat ginger dressing. I also had a handful of Naked pita chips dipped in a little hummus - and for dessert - a baby clementine! Because they are amazing.
(I know iceberg lettuce is the worst - but I woke up late with only 20 minutes to get ready before leaving for work this morning - so I was at the mercy of what was in the fridge. It seemed a better option than the steak and baked potato that was eyeballing me from the top shelf!)
Dinner was a piece of grilled chicken cooked in lite vidalia onion dressing with some green beans. Honestly, I'm not too excited about the green beans. But it was green and it worked.
After my run, I needed a little something else, so I had a banana with a spoon of peanut butter. (pure bliss, I tell you.)
I got a lot done at work today! Finished up a few major issues and projects that I've spent weeks on. That pretty much sums up my day. Oh - and 50 squats before climbing into bed! Made me feel a little less lethargic. I think I just need sleep.
Sleep sweet... after 50 squats!!
:)
Today I feel lazy! I ran 5 miles in 52 minutes tonight, but now I feel as if I could have gone much further. Perhaps I should have spent more time at the gym working out after my run, I don't know. I just feel as if I should have gotten a lot more in.
I suppose today was an easy day. Easy, but full of delicious food!
For lunch, I ate this:
Asian salad!
Lettuce mix with cabbage, snow peas, and carrots! Sliced almonds, little crunchie sticks, and a little bit of low fat ginger dressing. I also had a handful of Naked pita chips dipped in a little hummus - and for dessert - a baby clementine! Because they are amazing.
(I know iceberg lettuce is the worst - but I woke up late with only 20 minutes to get ready before leaving for work this morning - so I was at the mercy of what was in the fridge. It seemed a better option than the steak and baked potato that was eyeballing me from the top shelf!)
Dinner was a piece of grilled chicken cooked in lite vidalia onion dressing with some green beans. Honestly, I'm not too excited about the green beans. But it was green and it worked.
After my run, I needed a little something else, so I had a banana with a spoon of peanut butter. (pure bliss, I tell you.)
I got a lot done at work today! Finished up a few major issues and projects that I've spent weeks on. That pretty much sums up my day. Oh - and 50 squats before climbing into bed! Made me feel a little less lethargic. I think I just need sleep.
Sleep sweet... after 50 squats!!
:)
Monday, May 21
Motivation... Take three
I am addicted! Which, for me is strange. I don't have a very "addictive" personality - aside from reading the Hunger Games (3 books, 4 days, roughly 15 hours of sleep...) and my unwavering devotion to Jesus, music, and photography. But I am proud to say that I am now addicted to the gym!
I can remember only a few times in my life where I've been happy and content with my average/pear-shaped figure. (Being a 12 year old with a D cup leaves no "slim/athletic" option for you - ever.) But there have been a few times where I've worked hard and I've noticed results and stayed roughly in somewhat decent shape throughout the years that it's mattered.
At the beginning of this year I started a boot camp training class with a friend of mine - 6 weeks of intense 6am workouts that left us sweaty, sore, and wanting more! After the 6 weeks, I could really see a difference, and that is what motivated me to continue with this.
So I got a gym membership, and I've kept up with it! At first, I just tried a few machines and called it a night, but the past four weeks I have started running - and running hard! And while I'm pretty sure I still look like I belong in the Special Olympics, running feels so good!
I realized too, that in the past I've always just worked out to "get skinnier" and lose that ever-present squishy around my midsection, or to try and "tone up" a little to fit into dresses or swimsuits for summertime. But I realize now that I don't want to just "get skinny" - I want to be FIT - It's not something that is completely out of reach for me either! I want to be strong (not freakishly muscular like those body-building girls) and I want to go beyond my preconceived notion of just getting skinny and toning up - I want to be healthy! I want it to be a lifestyle that continues from here on out.
So in an effort to continue motivating myself and to discipline my sore and tired body - I am going to blog about working out and eating healthy things! Hopefully it will motivate any potential web-passer-by's to get off the couch/twirly chair and pull out your old sneakers.
Ohh... sneakers... I have had the same pair of gym shoes since (I'm ashamed to say) the 7th grade. The same pair of New Balance sneakers have been in my closet for well over 10 years! So to support my new found addiction, I bought these! Nike Free 4.0's - and they are magical! Seriously the best $90 I've ever spent.
This past weekend, these babies and I trekked over 22 miles. Friday night I ran for 7 miles. Saturday I ran for 5 miles, biked for 7 miles, and walked for 3 miles - and then did 2 hours of abs and arms! Sunday, was indeed a day of rest.
And so begins my workout-blogging!
Monday May 21, 2012
Today I ran 1 mile (still sore from the weekend - don't judge!) in 8:45 minutes. I usually average 10 minutes/mile, so this was a little better for me. I spent the next hour working my still sore abs, obliques, squishy arms and legs by doing rotations on the girly machines at the gym. I finished with some Pilates and crunches! When I got home, I did 25 squats... just for good measure.
Despite my measly one mile, I had a good workout, worked up a nice little sweat, cleaned up and am now heading to bed with endorphins to spare.
I'm grateful for feeling motivated... hopefully soon I'll be grateful for the discipline to remain so!
Goodnight. :)
I can remember only a few times in my life where I've been happy and content with my average/pear-shaped figure. (Being a 12 year old with a D cup leaves no "slim/athletic" option for you - ever.) But there have been a few times where I've worked hard and I've noticed results and stayed roughly in somewhat decent shape throughout the years that it's mattered.
At the beginning of this year I started a boot camp training class with a friend of mine - 6 weeks of intense 6am workouts that left us sweaty, sore, and wanting more! After the 6 weeks, I could really see a difference, and that is what motivated me to continue with this.
So I got a gym membership, and I've kept up with it! At first, I just tried a few machines and called it a night, but the past four weeks I have started running - and running hard! And while I'm pretty sure I still look like I belong in the Special Olympics, running feels so good!
I realized too, that in the past I've always just worked out to "get skinnier" and lose that ever-present squishy around my midsection, or to try and "tone up" a little to fit into dresses or swimsuits for summertime. But I realize now that I don't want to just "get skinny" - I want to be FIT - It's not something that is completely out of reach for me either! I want to be strong (not freakishly muscular like those body-building girls) and I want to go beyond my preconceived notion of just getting skinny and toning up - I want to be healthy! I want it to be a lifestyle that continues from here on out.
So in an effort to continue motivating myself and to discipline my sore and tired body - I am going to blog about working out and eating healthy things! Hopefully it will motivate any potential web-passer-by's to get off the couch/twirly chair and pull out your old sneakers.
Ohh... sneakers... I have had the same pair of gym shoes since (I'm ashamed to say) the 7th grade. The same pair of New Balance sneakers have been in my closet for well over 10 years! So to support my new found addiction, I bought these! Nike Free 4.0's - and they are magical! Seriously the best $90 I've ever spent.
And so begins my workout-blogging!
Monday May 21, 2012
Today I ran 1 mile (still sore from the weekend - don't judge!) in 8:45 minutes. I usually average 10 minutes/mile, so this was a little better for me. I spent the next hour working my still sore abs, obliques, squishy arms and legs by doing rotations on the girly machines at the gym. I finished with some Pilates and crunches! When I got home, I did 25 squats... just for good measure.
Despite my measly one mile, I had a good workout, worked up a nice little sweat, cleaned up and am now heading to bed with endorphins to spare.
I'm grateful for feeling motivated... hopefully soon I'll be grateful for the discipline to remain so!
Goodnight. :)
Monday, April 16
look to the horizon
it looks like things are about to change.
as if a new storm is about to break.
look to the horizon and don't be afraid-
fear not the strengths of a new day.
it smells like the rain cloud is yearning for thrill
it feels like the waves are pushing their will
look to the east, the calm is ceased-
for on the shore lies new day.
blood red the horizon, the streak of the sky
awakens the vision, where dreamers still lie
untouched and unbroken, awaiting the wing
to take flight, and to sing - for a new day
find your feet, find your heart
as you stand, make your start
and embark t'wards the mark
of a new day
find your strength, find your sword
sound the drum, strum the chord
as you march bravely forward
to a new day
yes, it looks like things are about to change.
a stampede of emotion gives way.
look to the horizon, and don't be afraid-
fear not the strength of a new day.
stand tall, after all - it's a new day.
as if a new storm is about to break.
look to the horizon and don't be afraid-
fear not the strengths of a new day.
it smells like the rain cloud is yearning for thrill
it feels like the waves are pushing their will
look to the east, the calm is ceased-
for on the shore lies new day.
blood red the horizon, the streak of the sky
awakens the vision, where dreamers still lie
untouched and unbroken, awaiting the wing
to take flight, and to sing - for a new day
find your feet, find your heart
as you stand, make your start
and embark t'wards the mark
of a new day
find your strength, find your sword
sound the drum, strum the chord
as you march bravely forward
to a new day
yes, it looks like things are about to change.
a stampede of emotion gives way.
look to the horizon, and don't be afraid-
fear not the strength of a new day.
stand tall, after all - it's a new day.
Tuesday, April 10
Quiet time...
I think my life is in a "quiet time" right now. Which, surprisingly, I'm totally okay with. I mean, I stay pretty busy, I don't have any time to spend being bored, but things are somehow just... quiet. Despite the ridiculously crazy weekend I had a while back, everything feels almost peaceful.
You know that feeling you get while sitting on an old wooden dock looking out over a wide open lake? And everything is still - with the occasional ripple from the slightly ebbing tide hitting the dock beams. That's what I feel. But I'm so far from anything that slightly resembles wide open space. Somehow it's still peaceful.
And I'm not in a rush for that to change. Yes, I still desperately want to get my own place, and unpack all my own things, and have my own little dog in my own little house again. But I have a feeling that things will be okay if I don't rush.
I'm working, learning more about photography, enjoying the spring warmth and greenery, and not making any plans of my own. It's quiet. And for now, I'm ok with quiet.
I turn 24 in 3 days. I thought for sure things would be totally different by now. But, I still have goals, and I know what I want out of life. And I know where I want to be. It's just quiet until I figure out how to get there.
I really wanted to be on the beach for my birthday.
Maybe I'll get to go before April is over.
Maybe I'll just stay still and enjoy the quiet. It can't stay quiet forever.
You know that feeling you get while sitting on an old wooden dock looking out over a wide open lake? And everything is still - with the occasional ripple from the slightly ebbing tide hitting the dock beams. That's what I feel. But I'm so far from anything that slightly resembles wide open space. Somehow it's still peaceful.
And I'm not in a rush for that to change. Yes, I still desperately want to get my own place, and unpack all my own things, and have my own little dog in my own little house again. But I have a feeling that things will be okay if I don't rush.
I'm working, learning more about photography, enjoying the spring warmth and greenery, and not making any plans of my own. It's quiet. And for now, I'm ok with quiet.
I turn 24 in 3 days. I thought for sure things would be totally different by now. But, I still have goals, and I know what I want out of life. And I know where I want to be. It's just quiet until I figure out how to get there.
I really wanted to be on the beach for my birthday.
Maybe I'll get to go before April is over.
Maybe I'll just stay still and enjoy the quiet. It can't stay quiet forever.
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