Put on my blue suede shoes, and I boarded the plane...

So I live in South Africa now - and every time I hear the song "Walking In Memphis" I feel such a happy feeling... as if Memphis and I share a secret that nobody else here knows. As if, even though I feel so at home here among the red African dirt and outdoorsy lifestyle - a part of my heart will always be at home in Memphis. 

Right now it's just after midnight... and I'm sitting outside on the patio watching the lights from the big ships glittering softly on the Indian Ocean sprawled out magnificently in front of me. There is a party going on at the neighbors' house, and I'm sitting out here in my undies enjoying their overly-loud radio, which just so happens to be blaring "Walking In Memphis" right at this moment! I feel like this song and I have an inside joke together. :)

The wind has picked up a bit of a chill - maybe I should get a jacket. 

When I close my eyes, I can still see Beale St. with it's neon signs glowing in the summer night sky. I remember several fun days spent on the banks of the Mississippi River - warm and windy - but it doesn't hold a candle to my beloved Indian Ocean.

Honestly, I've always felt a hesitation about calling any place "home." When I was very young, I was convinced that "home" couldn't be a place on this earth - not with the prospects of Heaven awaiting. 

Now that I'm old(er), and I tend to over-analyze things that I used to just be content with, and I think my specific lack of "roots" stems from a childhood of constant change. For example, by the time I graduated high school (grade 12) I had attended 13 different schools. I may be overly-psycho-evaluating myself here, but I think I'm finally starting to confirm my suspicion of having commitment issues. And it stems into so many aspects of my tossed-around life.

I've wasted so many birthday and shooting-star wishes on trying to find a sense of normalcy in life.

Memphis is where I lived the longest - had the deepest roots - but Arkansas was where I found my own feet - my independence, and I made my own way in the world, and learned to love it there. I consider both to be "home." But Africa is in my blood. I'm torn... but contentedly so, at present.

Today has been a good day. It is warm and sunny here these days - seems the monsoon season has finally lost interest in tormenting us with its dismal days, and we're back to the typical subtropical climate - humid and sticky, but totally tolerable (for now.) 

For now, this is home. Because this is where I choose to be. But if home is where my heart is... then a piece of my heart is in Arkansas with Serena. A piece of my heart is in Texas with Tristan and Kennedy and Josh. A piece of my heart is in Memphis with my daddy and Mister. A piece of my heart is in Georgia with Travis. A really big piece of my heart is in Joburg with my mom and Daniel. And a massive piece of my heart is floating somewhere out in space, hoping to one day crash into a "someone" who brings all the pieces back together again.

A girl can still dream, right? :)

It's cold. And my party neighbors have retired for the night. I suppose I should follow suite. Tomorrow is another day - and it's going to be a beaut. 

Sleep sweet,

Rae

Goals and stuff

Okay, so that last post was so mellow dramatic, I think I need to amp it up a bit! Africa is SO much fun!! Yes, I work - A LOT - but I am loving it here. The culture, the lifestyle, the foods, everything is invigorating. And yes- I'm absolutely living it up to the fullest - taking every chance I can, despite occasional fears or hesitations. 

These are a few things that I've done since being in Africa, most of which I will probably never do again, but I can now cross off the list anyway!

-Rode a mechanical bull at a frat party... Stone cold sober. Did pretty well, I might add! I put quite a few rugby boys to shame!

-Had a divine braai (african bbq) in a wild nature reserve on the edge of a cliff with a bunch of gorgeous surfer boys on the southern coast.

-Jumped off said cliff onto the river bank island, in the middle of the night, with only the light from the moon to guide us. Not so sober that time - but it was exhilarating!

-Clapped at a monkey in the tree above me - BAD idea! He turned, hissed, and began coming towards me, ready to attack! Needless to say I was never more thankful for having my running shoes on. Turns out they're not so cute after all!

-Met an Israeli drug dealer. 

-Assisted in the making of a batch of 'baked' brownies for a friend's "going green" birthday party - none of which was consumed by me! (I won't judge, but I also won't participate.)

-Spent one fantastic Sunday afternoon on the beach baking in the sunshine, then walked up to an open-air bar and spent the evening drinking pina coladas with friends and listened to the most awesome Reggae band ever. Total hippie day, it was so divine!

-Successfully learned to drive a stick shift! Hells yeah.

-Watched more surfing competitions than I'd ever thought possible. My cousin is a professional surfer, and he travels the world. Three weeks ago he was in France, Two weeks ago, Bali - and this week he is in the Canary Islands. :)

-Became a vegetarian... again! (I was one for about 8 years - and I recently started again with my cousin, Annie!)

I still want to learn to surf. The rest of these things were never on my to-do list, but just ended up happening... so why not!? :)

Life is so good here. The culture is a friendly one - no one is a stranger, and you see friends everywhere, new or old. The food is incredible! Being a vegetarian is much easier when there are so many colorful things to chose from, and the best fruits and veggies are always in season! Most things are expensive, and you work a lot harder to get what you need and want, but I am VERY blessed and taken care of everywhere I go. I've started making goals!

My goal for October is to get a new phone!

My goal for November is to have a bikini-worthy body!

My goal for December is to get a car! And have my little Mister Oscar moved out here!

My goal for January is to enroll in teaching classes at the nearby Varsity!

All of which I'm working towards and saving up for. So, I have lots of exciting things to look forward to. :)

But for now... I have sales reports due, and schedules to finalize. So back to work I go. 

I really miss my best friends and my daddy.
But I am thankful for being home and making plans.


"For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you, and not to harm you... plans to give you a hope and a future." Jer 29:11

Counting Ships...

My life has changed so much in the past four months. 

Four months ago I quit my (really amazing big-girl) job, packed a few suitcases, and left Memphis, TN. 

Today I woke up hearing the Indian Ocean outside my open window. I made coffee with one sugar and sat on the patio sipping and counting the giant ships waiting to go into the harbor. There were 11 ships in my little patch of sea this morning.

I have been blessed with an amazing job in an amazing company. I get to hire people for in-store promotions for big companies like Coca Cola, Remington, GlaxoSmith Kline, and I work with lots of awesome brands like Aquafresh, Minute Maid, Coke Zero, Fuze Tea... It's been hard work, and it requires a lot - but it's so rewarding to work with people who are so grateful. 

I'm so blessed to live in one of the best parts of South Africa - and every day I see the ocean smiling back at me. I run on the beach, with the sea breeze on my face... There's just something about being on the coast that fills and satisfies my soul. 

This is where I've always wanted to be. With my family - in South Africa - helping people. I've wanted this since I was 16. I did envision it being different in a lot of ways... but I am so content and settled. I feel as though I've grown up so much in the past few months and I know that I've changed a lot. 

Life isn't perfect - even here in my happy place. I can't drive a manual as well as I want - and I don't even have time to practice - nor do I have my own vehicle, so I'm always relying on people for lifts. Not that I really have anywhere to go - because I work from our office at home - but it would be nice to have the freedom that having your own car represents. My car in America was my space, my escape, my own thing that I owned. I miss that feeling of freedom. So many days I'd like to just get in the car and go. But I can't do that here. In America, I had my own place to live (well, not the past 2 years) But here... I know that isn't going to happen for a very long time. First, it's way too expensive to live alone - and second - it's way too dangerous!

I really miss my people: my dad, Serena, Tristan, Travis, and my little dog... I know a dog is an easily replaceable commodity, but not my Mister Oscar. He is my little soul mate - and I can feel how much he needs me.

I'm not singing these days. I feel like I wouldn't know where or how to even start writing again. But I can feel a song inside me... and it isn't too far off.  I'm still taking pictures, but not serious ones. Not good ones. And I'm still working out... I just lack motivation this week. 

Today is a very dreary rainy day - and while the birds sit singing their happy songs in the trees, I sit here counting the ships... and I'm content. Just.... content. :)

Exciting stories are coming soon - promise.

I am going to Africa!

Yes, yes - I've been talking about it for a long time. Technically, for years. I've always said that I want to go overseas - to Africa - to teach, work with orphanages, open schools and clinics, love on the children who have nobody... Since I was 16 I've wanted this... I've wanted this to be my dream. But now it's turning into a reality... and I'm freaking out a little.

My mom used to tell me a story about a monkey who happened upon a farmer's pumpkin patch. The monkey loved pumpkin seeds - and immediately set to work poking a hole just big enough for his hand to fit in the biggest, most delicious looking pumpkin. He squeezed his little hand into the pumpkin and grabbed up as many seeds as he could - only to discover he was stuck! He couldn't get the seeds out! He squealed and squawked and made such a racket that the farmer came out with his shotgun. Even though letting go of those few precious seeds would have saved his life, that monkey couldn't do it. He couldn't think past what he wanted right then and there. He couldn't let go.

I don't want to fight or struggle for I want. All I really want is to let go of what I think I want and give in to what God wants for me. I feel most certain that He has put these dreams and desires inside my heart - these giant dreams that I'm certain will take a lifetime to fulfill, and will lead me down some very lonely red dirt roads... He who has breathed life and passion into me, He who has given me His nature and His heartbeat - He is leading me with each step towards this new and kind of terrifying adventure.

I'm going to Africa! Seriously! :)


Who in their right mind wants to give up the content and convenient life of being an American young adult for the bumpy dusty roads and disease-infested corners of the "dark continent?"  Who in their right mind dreams about being around runny-nosed, fly-covered, starving children? Why would anyone desire a third world lifestyle over the convenience of lightening fast internet, talk-to-text, two minute drive-through coffees, Friday night chick-flicks on a giant flat screen TV, a closet full of colorful clothes, a fridge full of fresh food, ice-cold water right out of the faucet? How could anyone actually desire to leave that?

Am I ungrateful? Am I selfish? I don't know.

What I do know is that I am packing. I am packing for Africa. I quit my job, shut off my cell phone, minimized all my bills - and I'm going to Africa! I think it's just hit me - that I'm being given an opportunity to live my dream. I'm getting the chance to do everything I've wanted to do - everything I've dreamed about. How many people get that chance??

First off, how many people actually know what they want to do with their lives? Second, how many people actually get the chance to do it?? It's amazing - and I'm amazed. I'm amazed that somehow God has worked this out for me. Senseless, indecisive me.

Up until now I've been sort of numb inside. Numb to the realization that this is God... I guess I don't really know what I've been thinking or feeling. I felt certain that quitting my job was right - my first "big girl" job with a great salary, insurance, benefits, my own office, my own phone line... Leaving was right.

I feel as if the river has dried up here in America. I feel like Elijah did when he ran out of options - when his brook dried up before him, and he had to leave his safe place. I have nothing left here. My job was only able to sustain me - not push me forward into what i wanted, and while my dad, my little dog, my friends and my boyfriend are amazing and make life worthwhile - I feel there is so much more I need to do with my life. I have a calling - a destiny.

I have a destiny, and I feel like so far I have done nothing towards it. And suddenly God has opened this door for me! Yes, I know that not every open door is God's perfect will, I feel as if this packing and leaving home is getting me one step closer to what I've always dreamed of doing.

I'm going to be spending a lot of time with my family there; Aunts, uncles, cousins, and old friends whom facebook has allowed me to keep in contact with through the years. I may have a job to start. But I'm going to be so close to Pemba, Mozambique and even closer to Kwasiza Bantu... and that is where my dreams start.

So like that little monkey, I have to let go of what I think I want. So in my mind and in my heart, I am letting go, freeing myself from anything holding me back, and just focusing on the fact that - finally... finally - I am going to Africa!

Pulling my heart in half...

A long time ago, a rather eccentric friend of mine told me a story. In this story, he explained to me that his heart was battling with his mind and his will. I understood his metaphor, but he went into great detail involving sword fights and armies and even flags - as you would picture a battle in the olden days. He kept telling me that it was no metaphor, that it was true - that this battle of his was an actual battle. He is still, by far, one of the most eccentric and strangest friends I have, but today I understand his story a little better.

When your heart - the thing which drives your relationships, passions, and feelings - is in conflict with your mind - the thing which controls your reason and decisions. When they are opposite sides of the battlefield. How do you know which one to follow? How do you decide which is more important?
Or more importantly - when your heart is in direct opposition to what you believe is God's perfect Will for your life? What then? How do you proceed when your will is not your own?

I gave my life to Jesus. I gave my future, my passions, my dreams - my ALL - to follow His will and calling and to hear His voice. I was twelve years old when I made this decision. When I decided that I wanted God's will above my own - forever. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I remember it well. And it's always been easy for me to walk away from things that I know are not a part of God's will for my life.

But what do you do when the heart is attached to something - deeply and severely attached - to a someone whom you still question? What if he is right? But what if he is not? Almost four years of asking God, myself and everyone around me these relentless questions. I am afraid the answer is not what I want to hear. I've put my life on hold for fear of making the wrong move. I've wavered in my faith and in my decisions. I've gone from being certain that I want him above all else and following that path, to being completely positive that he is not what God has for me and following that path. I've said goodbye - too many times. It has broken my heart and his - over and over. It has ripped us to shreds. And now he is back, and I love him. And I am completely unwilling to hurt him again.

It is not fair. When you heart is at war with your mind. When your will is torn between the two.

I want a happy life - a normal life. I want the family thing, the kids thing, the settling down and throwing dinner parties thing. I want to unpack my wine glasses into my own kitchen cabinets. I want the savings account, and the health insurance, and the let's plan a vacation to visit the in-laws thing. I want the pretty guest bedroom for my friends to come visit. I want to wake up next to the face I love. I want to jog around the neighborhood and plan my days on a little dry-erase calendar.

But I want so much more.

I want adventure. I want to sit around a campfire in the middle of Africa, under the clearest night sky watching the moon rise as the lions roar in the distance. I want to see the look on the faces of a hundred little African children who suddenly don't have to walk 3 miles a day to collect a bucket of barely-drinkable water because I was there to provide a well for them in their little red-dirt village. I want to see the mother's smile when she hands her baby a plate of food - food that she didn't have to purchase by selling her body on the infested city streets nearby. I want to see the child that was never given the chance learn to read, carrying books home to teach his younger siblings. I want to see dreams come true. I want to see lives changed. I want to provide jobs where there were no jobs. I want to provide food and water to those who have for so long had to go without. I want to provide faith where before there was only hopelessness. I want to give the ones without a chance, a real fighting chance. I want adventure.

You may think when I put it like that, there's no difficulty to see which road to take. But my heart is stretched between them both. My will is on both sides. I've become numb to everything.

All I know is that I love him more than I've loved anyone. I want a future with him.
And I'm leaving for Africa in 7 days. An open-ended visit to see my family. I want the adventure to start while I'm there. But I'm frightened of that, and so is he. Because he knows that the only thing I love more than him... is Africa. He knows my dreams are there. My heart is there.... well half of my heart.

My heart is torn between a boy and my dreams. And I don't know what to do.

Romans 8:1

This is my Mantra for this week! Romans 8:1 says "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!" And I'm taking this very literally. Yesterday, I ate 3 amazing slices of ooey gooey cheesy spinach pizza. I also had a giant salad, but then broke my diet again with a hot dog for dinner! And, lofty as my intentions were for taking on at least 30 minutes of cardio afterwards... it totally didn't happen.

Yesterday, May 23, 2012
I played charades with co-workers while our server was down at work. I wonder if that counts as cardio? Haha... No condemnation - That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Today, May 24, 2012
This morning I woke up energized and refreshed, so I took my little sausage dog, Mister, on a 2 mile run before work! The little bugger started off full steam ahead, but after having to stop at EVERY single mailbox, we took to the pavement. He quickly tired out (which is understandable, since his legs are barely a full 4 inches) but he stayed with me on the home stretch.

This is my Mister enjoying some sunshine a few weekends ago. I imagine he is recovering today in the same fashion. (And yes, I'm one of those people who takes cellphone pictures of my animals when they do things I believe to be "adorable" and "cuuuuuute." Don't judge me.)

 
I've been researching fitness stuff - like a typical junkie - and despite my utter disregard for any physical activity yesterday (aside from chowing down!) I plan to do this after work today:

• 7 Day Thigh Challenge!

• 4 Minute Fat Blaster

• And then hit the gym for some one-on-one with the elliptical.

I recently realized this... if you can't motivate yourself, don't expect anyone else to be able to motivate you. So get off your ass and make a change. Change doesn't happen overnight - don't expect it to! And yes, it's hard to be consistent sometimes. But it's true that 'In consistency lies the power.' So go for it! "There is no condemnation" - so don't beat yourself up for taking baby steps - just start somewhere, and don't give up! Okay, end of pep-talk.

Today, I am unstoppable. :)

Takin' it easy

May 22, 2012
Today I feel lazy! I ran 5 miles in 52 minutes tonight, but now I feel as if I could have gone much further. Perhaps I should have spent more time at the gym working out after my run, I don't know. I just feel as if I should have gotten a lot more in.
I suppose today was an easy day. Easy, but full of delicious food!

For lunch, I ate this:

Asian salad!
Lettuce mix with cabbage, snow peas, and carrots! Sliced almonds, little crunchie sticks, and a little bit of low fat ginger dressing. I also had a handful of Naked pita chips dipped in a little hummus - and for dessert - a baby clementine! Because they are amazing.
(I know iceberg lettuce is the worst - but I woke up late with only 20 minutes to get ready before leaving for work this morning - so I was at the mercy of what was in the fridge. It seemed a better option than the steak and baked potato that was eyeballing me from the top shelf!)

Dinner was a piece of grilled chicken cooked in lite vidalia onion dressing with some green beans. Honestly, I'm not too excited about the green beans. But it was green and it worked. 

After my run, I needed a little something else, so I had a banana with a spoon of peanut butter. (pure bliss, I tell you.)


I got a lot done at work today! Finished up a few major issues and projects that I've spent weeks on. That pretty much sums up my day. Oh - and 50 squats before climbing into bed! Made me feel a little less lethargic. I think I just need sleep.

Sleep sweet... after 50 squats!!

:)

Motivation... Take three

I am addicted! Which, for me is strange. I don't have a very "addictive" personality - aside from reading the Hunger Games (3 books, 4 days, roughly 15 hours of sleep...) and my unwavering devotion to Jesus, music, and photography. But I am proud to say that I am now addicted to the gym!
I can remember only a few times in my life where I've been happy and content with my average/pear-shaped figure. (Being a 12 year old with a D cup leaves no "slim/athletic" option for you - ever.) But there have been a few times where I've worked hard and I've noticed results and stayed roughly in somewhat decent shape throughout the years that it's mattered.
At the beginning of this year I started a boot camp training class with a friend of mine - 6 weeks of intense 6am workouts that left us sweaty, sore, and wanting more! After the 6 weeks, I could really see a difference, and that is what motivated me to continue with this.
So I got a gym membership, and I've kept up with it! At first, I just tried a few machines and called it a night, but the past four weeks I have started running - and running hard! And while I'm pretty sure I still look like I belong in the Special Olympics, running feels so good!
I realized too, that in the past I've always just worked out to "get skinnier" and lose that ever-present squishy around my midsection, or to try and "tone up" a little to fit into dresses or swimsuits for summertime. But I realize now that I don't want to just "get skinny" - I want to be FIT - It's not something that is completely out of reach for me either! I want to be strong (not freakishly muscular like those body-building girls) and I want to go beyond my preconceived notion of just getting skinny and toning up - I want to be healthy! I want it to be a lifestyle that continues from here on out.

So in an effort to continue motivating myself and to discipline my sore and tired body - I am going to blog about working out and eating healthy things! Hopefully it will motivate any potential web-passer-by's to get off the couch/twirly chair and pull out your old sneakers.

Ohh... sneakers... I have had the same pair of gym shoes since (I'm ashamed to say) the 7th grade. The same pair of New Balance sneakers have been in my closet for well over 10 years! So to support my new found addiction, I bought these! Nike Free 4.0's - and they are magical! Seriously the best $90 I've ever spent.

This past weekend, these babies and I trekked over 22 miles. Friday night I ran for 7 miles. Saturday I ran for 5 miles, biked for 7 miles, and walked for 3 miles - and then did 2 hours of abs and arms! Sunday, was indeed a day of rest.

And so begins my workout-blogging!

Monday May 21, 2012
Today I ran 1 mile (still sore from the weekend - don't judge!) in 8:45 minutes. I usually average 10 minutes/mile, so this was a little better for me. I spent the next hour working my still sore abs, obliques, squishy arms and legs by doing rotations on the girly machines at the gym. I finished with some Pilates and crunches! When I got home, I did 25 squats... just for good measure.

Despite my measly one mile, I had a good workout, worked up a nice little sweat, cleaned up and am now heading to bed with endorphins to spare.

I'm grateful for feeling motivated... hopefully soon I'll be grateful for the discipline to remain so!

Goodnight. :)

look to the horizon

it looks like things are about to change.
as if a new storm is about to break.
look to the horizon and don't be afraid-
fear not the strengths of a new day.

it smells like the rain cloud is yearning for thrill
it feels like the waves are pushing their will
look to the east, the calm is ceased-
for on the shore lies new day.

blood red the horizon, the streak of the sky
awakens the vision, where dreamers still lie
untouched and unbroken, awaiting the wing
to take flight, and to sing - for a new day

find your feet, find your heart
as you stand, make your start
and embark t'wards the mark
of a new day

 find your strength, find your sword
sound the drum, strum the chord
as you march bravely forward
to a new day

yes, it looks like things are about to change.
a stampede of emotion gives way.
look to the horizon, and don't be afraid-
fear not the strength of a new day.
stand tall, after all - it's a new day.

Quiet time...

I think my life is in a "quiet time" right now. Which, surprisingly, I'm totally okay with. I mean, I stay pretty busy, I don't have any time to spend being bored, but things are somehow just... quiet. Despite the ridiculously crazy weekend I had a while back, everything feels almost peaceful.
You know that feeling you get while sitting on an old wooden dock looking out over a wide open lake? And everything is still - with the occasional ripple from the slightly ebbing tide hitting the dock beams. That's what I feel. But I'm so far from anything that slightly resembles wide open space. Somehow it's still peaceful.
And I'm not in a rush for that to change. Yes, I still desperately want to get my own place, and unpack all my own things, and have my own little dog in my own little house again. But I have a feeling that things will be okay if I don't rush.
I'm working, learning more about photography, enjoying the spring warmth and greenery, and not making any plans of my own. It's quiet. And for now, I'm ok with quiet.
I turn 24 in 3 days. I thought for sure things would be totally different by now. But, I still have goals, and I know what I want out of life. And I know where I want to be. It's just quiet until I figure out how to get there.

I really wanted to be on the beach for my birthday.
Maybe I'll get to go before April is over.

Maybe I'll just stay still and enjoy the quiet. It can't stay quiet forever.

I'm a fairy godmother!

I couldn't be happier for my person - my best friend and her wonderful husband, the Lawlers! They welcomed their precious baby girl, Kennedy Lynn into the world four days ago! 

She is going to be the luckiest little girl in the world. Not only are her parents so full of love and generosity, but her grandparents are going to spoil her sweet. And of course, she has an aunt/godmother Rae who is going to love her unconditionally, take way too many pictures of her (when I get the chance), and make sure her life is filled with happiness and girly musicals at every single birthday. I can't express how happy I am to know the Lawler family, and how blessed I feel to be forever tied to them through this precious angel. 

I have such love for you, sweet baby Lawler. And I can't wait to see you grow up into the beautiful princess you are. 

Dear Baby Lawler

Congratulations, my dear Lawler family. All my love, 

Rae. <3

Dreaming

I really want to be miles away from this little office. 
Don't get me wrong, I love my job, and my little office, and I'm really very happy here. 


But every cell in my body would rather be hundreds of miles away behind a lens, clicking away and capturing life. I want to take pictures that move people. Pictures that stir up dreams in others, pictures that generate a desire for action. Not just happy pictures, or sad pictures. Just... life. I want to capture life. Untamed, unorganized life.


I want to be here:

and here:

or even here!

I'm happy in my little office. But I'm needing a strong dose of real life, outside these four walls.


For now, I'm thankful to be learning, studying, and getting better with my little camera.

Ukulele!

My new favorite toy arrived yesterday!! So I did what I feel most confident in - I wrote a song. I know the quality sucks. And I know my playing sucks, too. But in my defense, I've been playing ukulele for a total of 24 hours and considering that this instrument is NOTHING like a guitar, I think my 24 hours isn't a bad start. 

I am happy. Really. :)

5 simple steps to happiness...

1. Click the link below.
2. Pick out your favorite Scentsy warmer & smell'ums.
3. Purchase said warmer and smell'ums.
4. Wait for UPS man to deliver your happy goodness.
5. Bask in the glory of a delicious smelling home or office.

:)
THIS link right here -----> https://raekaiser.scentsy.com/Buy

Call me irresponsible...

But my Frank Sinatra station on Pandora is seriously the best ever.

passion

creeps in once again...

This time in the form of a Nikon D5100. I'm an absolute amateur - but I love it. Everything about photography is exciting me right now. And I'm running out of friends to model.

But I do have beautiful friends, so it's a good place to start. After all, "never despise the day of small beginnings." :)

This is Mallory, my little brother's delightful girlfriend.

Below is Jillian, my lifelong friend. She is such a happy part of my life.


These are pictures of my soon-to-be-goddaughter! I spent New Years with my best friend, Mrs. Tristan Lawler and her lovely husband. San Antonio is beautiful! And so is she!


I can't wait to meet her!


I've been taking pictures of absolutely everything around me. These are a few I liked. :)

That's it for now. I can't wait to see what this year holds - and I can't wait to capture it all.

Also, I'm going to learn to play the ukulele.

Tonight, I'm thankful for friends, music, and passion that gives way to hope.

I'm stealing

these thoughts from my best friend Tristan Jewel Lawler. Talented beyond reason, she is a writer, dancer, Scentsy consultant, avid reader, knitter, expert on all things male-related, wine connoisseur in training, and I'm not even scratching the surface...
Her poetry is unique, and this one she wrote a while ago just touches my heartstrings. So tonight, these are the words on my heart (although she technically wrote them- I know she won't mind if I share.)

My beloved

I want to know you

I want to feel how I’m going to feel

When I know you love me too

When we decide to make a life together

I want you to know that all I want is to make you happy

From how we wake up together

To how we raise our beautiful children

We will make it

I know when we say our vows that they will be forever

Find me

I’m ready for you to be a part of my life

Get to know me

And love me for my faults

Love me for my family

Let me become a part of your family

Kiss me goodnight

And I will take care of you every moment

Choose me

I promise it will be worth it

We will know each other

and respect one another

I can’t wait to grow with you

Lets figure this out

Until we fall in love,

Yours,

Rae

(Via Mrs Lawler)

I figured since she has her beloved now, she won't mind sharing this wish.
Tonight I'm thankful for the rain, despite that its coming with a lot more hail than necessary. I'd better get ready for the storm. I'm also thankful for Jesus loving me as much as He does. I'm thankful for Serena Joy. <3 And so much more!


Bye ya'al!

Baby Will You Dance With Me

One day...

I'd like to be in love.
And then I'd like to dance.


:)

my big girl job

starts tomorrow.
i'm excited. but also so very nervous.
i'm afraid of failure.

but i trust God in me.

i met my mom's new man today. he is the most wonderful thing that has happened to our little family. it felt like a real family tonight having him there. he balances us all out. and i'm so grateful to God for putting him in our lives.

i miss my serena joy so much already! it was ah-mazing (haha) seeing her this weekend. we had far too much fun. definitely some lifetime memories.
and tristan! i haven't seen her in WAY too long. we had a marvelous night with friends and partied the night away. felt like old roommate times again.

i'm thankful. and happy. and sleepy.

two more sleeps...

... and then i get to see my best friends and be in the beautiful mountains of Arkansas again. :)

These days the sun is shining brighter and the Memphis humidity brings with it the need for anti-frizz hair creme and a new [zebra striped] swimsuit. I don't care what people say... Screw Christmas- THIS is the most wonderful time of the year!

I am enjoying what feels like the calm before the storm. It's been made clear that things are once again about to change, decisions have to be made, and once more I'm questioning God for wisdom and direction. Isn't that the never-ending story of my life. "Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing? Is this right? Is that right? God, are you listening?" Yeah. Seems like every six months we have this same one-sided conversation.

Moving to Memphis in December was right. It has been a good thing, but it seems like just as I've gotten settled and I have peace in my heart, a foundation log has slipped out from underneath me and things are about to start faltering. I know this means I have to find my own way now. But if I'm destined to be a tumbleweed, I'd prefer to know the direction of the wind. And if I'm meant to be rooted, I'd like a prettier garden. Ocean views would be preferable, God.

Oh, and I had totally forgotten what sin consciousness was, until we went to church this morning. Apparently God doesn't like sinners?? Ha.

Too much thinking.

I wrote a song for my Serena Joy tonight. I like it. :) I want to record, damnit.

I'm thankful for this beautiful weekend, great beer, and amazing friends. I'm thankful that my Jesus loves me beyond measure, and that His heart is full of wonderful thoughts for me. Thankful that He is making my way straight and guiding my ever-questioning heart.
I'm thankful for sleep.

*yawn*